All throughout my life I had struggled to find my identity and be true to myself. I had also always had a low-self esteem. It has been about three months since I decided to finally be true to myself and to acknowledge that what I was feeling was exactly the right thing. I had always been afraid of others knowing that I was attracted to women. I would compensate by always saying I wanted a boyfriend. Even though that was something I really did not desire. As I think back to the middle of fall quarter it brings tears to my eyes. I remember sitting waiting for the bus and wondering if what I felt was correct. I had feelings for a queer friend that were so intense I felt I could no longer suppress what I felt. I was blessed enough to confide in a close friend and she was great support. But being a UCI commuter I was always afraid to go back home and see my family. At school I felt safe. But at home I felt a lot of shame. I began to have a lot of stress and depression during finals week. I remember I spent the entire finals week on campus. I would only go home to shower.
My mother who I am extremely close to began to notice. I could feel that she had doubts about my whereabouts. I had a hard time focusing on studying and could not take it anymore. At work I would miss meetings and those close to me noticed that something was going on in my life. Finally Friday of finals week I decided was time to be true to myself and come out to my family. I knew winter break was nearing and knew I no longer would have the safety of campus. I was unsure if it was healthy for me to continue to suppress my thoughts. I had also recently been to a SafeZone and had learned that what I was feeling was absolutely normal and that I should embrace it.
It was early in the morning and my house was busy. My mom and sister were having breakfast and talking about church and the plans for the weekend. At that moment I was worried that my mom would kick me out and that I would be shunned forever. It was a risk I had to take or else I would not be here today. I am extremely family oriented and knew that this would be hard for them to understand. I remember looking at my mom and telling her that I was attracted to women and that I needed them to know. My mother began to cry as well as my sister. She told me I was confused and that I had never had a boyfriend so this was me being desperate. I remember telling her that what I felt was me, and that I knew who I was. She asked me if I was dating a woman or if I had sexual relations. I said no. But I have never dated men either so I knew it was just who I was. I remember wanting to cry but being full of joy and freedom.
Although my mother and sister do not accept me they are learning to respect my sexual orientation. I feel like my relationship with my family has grown and that I am more independent. Yes, at times we are at disagreements but at the end of the day it’s all okay. My coming out for me was very liberating and it was also very uplifting. It has been a long road and there are still many battles to win. I remember very clearly the day I came out to my mother and sister. It was as if all the pressure and sadness were released. I am embracing who I am more and more. I am also more aware just how much support friends and my university have been for me. I know that although my family and friends at times may not agree or support who I am they are learning to embrace who I am.